I GOT BORED..

I changed my template.

I've said before that i get bored very easily. And i was tired. So the new template probably wont last long, but lets see shall we.


So, I'm chipper today..why?
Well, for the first time in a while (like..4 months) i didn't go out on a Thursday night.



Yup.


The people at work were shocked when i got in early and that i am totally freakin functional today. I feel super cool.



The only problem is, i don't have an excuse for being completely unproductive and aloof in the office today.

And it doesn't help that my bosses are here and they are in full force today. They are all about patrolling the office, with the hopes of catching some poor sucker doing something their not supposed to be doing-you know, like blogging, browsing, watching the Olympic opening ceremony etc(not that i would ever do any of that on company time).






I have to admit, i am quite proud of being a major offender of the "great ways to waste time at the office" crimes because at any given time i can be found doing something that has absolutely nothing to do with anything about work and that ultimately reduces productivity.
I mean, i eventually get shit done, but if i applied myself and stopped doing the shit i do, i would get it done in half the time.


But, the difference today is..because i am usually hung over like a mother bitch on Fridays, my Fridays are mainly filled with constant red bull drinking and wishing death upon all the loud ass voiced in the office. Today however, i am completely sober hence...things i do at work on the (one) Fridays I'm not hungover:

1. WALK EVERYWHERE

I'm usually so freaking hungover and tired that i am comatose and have no strength or will to live to do anything..so today, I'm all over the place, walking to the colour printer and i even walked to the kitchen to put hot water in my cup (I'm usually so hungover/still drunk that i drink it with cold water-judge me)

2. CLOSELY OBSERVE AN EBAY AUCTION EVEN THOUGH I CANNOT BID

I am currently very intently watching an eBay auction for these amazing specimens of human creation and genius..

MANOLO BLAHNIK POPPY MARY JANES

I've been watching for 3 hours and they're up to $750. OMG, i hope "walmartgirl" gets them, she seems nice, "Greta" is just being too aggressive.

3. CONCENTRATE.

I don't think i need to explain.

4. EAT.

i.e. I can eat or even think of food without wanting to either dash to the bathroom to upchuck or gouge my stomach out. This is not necessarily a good thing because...well, now all i can think about is food. So far I've had a tuna sandwich, niknaks, biltong, a mars bar, 4 samosas, 4 spring rolls and i just ordered nandos for lunch.

5. SPIKE MY COFFEE WITH AMARULA.

Obviously, the hang over doesn't usually allow me to live out my alcoholic fantasy of having coffee and amarula all day without anyone knowing..the only issue with this is that i have now had 4 cups (read:mugs) of coffee with half a bottle of amarula that i keep in my desk drawer and now I'm drunk again and need to head to the lunch room to sleep on the floor coz I'm wasted.

In other news. Tomorrow is women's day. I am all about celebrating women, i love being a woman (i think i can finally call myself that).

What am i doing tomorrow? I just decided that I'm gonna switch off my phone and I'm gonna sit in front of the TV with ice cream and my favourite DVDs like pretty woman, the devil wears prada, little miss sunshine, crossroads (yes. the Britney spears one. sue me) and notting hill. I have this need to be alone, sometimes a woman just needs to appreciate herself and remind herself that no one person can give her love more than herself.

here's a big WOZA WEEKEND BABY!!!!!!!!

*unwritten*

P.D.A and firsts..

Yo hommies.

So, it has been a minute ha?! Seriously, when i don't a chance to come over and write i feel weird, like a serious lack of something. I reckon it makes me more stressed out not being able to blog.!
Anywho, i have been under the stress commonly known as work shit. But i am glad to report that i survived and I'm swinging.

So, Editor Boy is good too in case you care. We have been seeing a lot of each other and its awesome. Although, I'm a ashamed to admit that we are culprits of the very annoying and utterly in-excusable and very annoying P.D.A.
I mean, i have always been very annoyed by the "hand in the back pocket" and by the "kissing in the line to the movies" ugghhh.
I have always maintained (maybe coz i was single???) that all shows of affection should be kept for the privacy of your own home. And that there is no possible way that people could not be able to keep their hands (or their mouths) off each other so long as to "canoodle".


But now...now, i am one of those people. Well, not the hand in the back pocket thing, but like the other night, EB and i were at dinner, sitting in the corner booth, and he just leaned in and before i knew it, it was an all out make out sesh. The only reason we came up for air was when the waiter dropped/threw our drinks onto the table. I just kept thinkin to myself...OMG I'm one half of those fu*king annoying ass couples...
I was really embarrassed and the strangest thing is that EB is all about Public.Displays. of Affection. I mean, I'm not complaining that he likes planting one on me in the middle of a sentence, but i am feeling a little like a have crossed over to the dark side...


Anyway, i was catching up on my blog reading when i saw this really interesting post on expensive's blog. She was talking about her firsts..

A few of my FIRSTS and ONE LAST:



Had my first loss at 10, when my mama died. It wasn't sudden, she was in and out of hospital for a while, i just didn't think that was the time she wouldn't check out.


I was the first black kid to attend my private primary school. I was 5 and i can honestly say that i have no memory of the kids being anything other than being very sweet and i made lots of friends very quickly. The meanest thing done/said to me came from adults. Other people's parents and one teacher. I stayed at that school for 7 years, by then, there were so many black kids we were pretty much even.

The first movie i saw on the big screen was "THE LION KING". best experience ever.


Had my first kiss when i was 15. I was the last one out of everyone i knew and lied about it for a while. He was the love of my life and we still laugh about how awkward it was.


I smoked my first ciggie when i was 19. No kidding. I had always been that girl who would ridicule people for smoking. I am now on about 4 a day. I have quite 3 times and am about to go for a 4th.


I got drunk for the first time when i was 14. It was my cousin and i. We snuck into the store room and stole one of my dad's beer. It was f-ing gross.


Had my first sexual encounter when i was 17. With the same boy who gave the first kiss. It was romantic and i thought it was right. Looking back i would have waited till i was ready.


Had my first pregnancy scare when i was 19. i was so freaked out. Like an idiot, I've had 2 more after that. Don't ask.


The first time i moved out of home i was 17 and moving to Australia by myself. I didn't know a soul and wasn't sure about accommodation. On that 13hr flight to Sydney, i sat next to a Thai girl and a Malawian girl. We would end up moving in together and being the best of friends. We were all under 18 and taking a chance.


The first time a guy told me he loved me. He lied. The first time i told a guy i loved him, i thought i was being honest.


I got my first H.I.V test when i was 17, for my Aussie visa. Obviously it was negative. I now go twice a year and i can honestly say i get nervous every time.
The first person i ever touched who had A.I.D.S was a family friend. I was about 8 and she cried when i hugged her. She died a few years ago, she is definately an angel.


The last place i ever expected to be when i was 22 was Lagos Nigeria, falling for a really sweet man and working a for a really bitter old ass. Having the best laughs of my life and crying myself to sleep more than i like to admit.

*unwritten*

The real World:

I have mentioned before several times that i am a fan of the reality show.

Someone asked me the other day while i was getting my weekly fix of LC and Audrina "why do you think it is that you enjoy watching other people live their lives, when instead of just sitting there watching, you could be living yours?"....

OK, so that someone was me. And the thought had never occurred to me until that very moment.

Damn.

And then i began to think about how cool it would be if my life were filmed by camera's 24/7 (supposedly) and then i freaked out, because then people would then find out that:

All the clothes that are supposed to be hung up in my closet are actually in fact either lying on the couch in my room or on the floor of my closet and the floor of the closet in the guest room. Look, jezebel told me its called a freaking floordrobe. Lay Off.

That i rarely ever change the outfit i put on first. It usually works out well for me, either that or my friends never tell me the truth. Its a thing i picked up in boarding school when i shared a room with the worlds most annoying indecisive person. The worst is that she would ask my opinion every time she changed.

I almost always lie about what I'm doing when i answer the phone (shameful). The degree of the lie depends on who is calling and what I'm actually doing.

Which means that people will not only find out that i lied, but that i am usually googling myself, or eating simba chips (chutney flavour) for dinner, or that im listening to my Hanson or Hannah Montana CD, or watching High School Musical on PVR, or...I'm gonna stop now but you get the point.

I pre-drink by myself every, single time i go out.

I mean, that's the stuff that they really should edit out, not too exciting. But the stuff they really would keep is the stuff that happens socially. There are no Brody Jenners in my life (find suicide note at the end of post) but there have been some really awkward dates and there are some serious frenemy situations for example:

The editor boy's sister is exes with a guy i slept with once, and when ed asked me how i knew him i completely lied, even though this guy and i talk on a regular basis.

My friend tila is actually a frenemy coz i know she told the guy she's dating that i dislike him, because he is an asshole...but he is an asshole and she only likes him coz he's rich.

I once kissed said asshole (before they started dating OK)but we were both very drunk and never ever told. Besides i would totally deny it if it leaked...but not with the camera's following.

I met editor boy before i broke up with high flyer and kissed him even.

I hang out with some very elite (read: filthy rich and spoiled and therefore drama filled socialites) people who like to party...A LOT.

I have my very own Whitney. The work friend who always blankly asks what i did over the weekend and who always says "oh...wow" and "how cool"

i have a great...scratch that AMAZING shoe collection.

Of course the question remains as to whether MTV would be interested. But hey MNET...hola.

I guarantee better ratings than jacobs cross

*unwritten*

Deal of No Deal?

Not much on the go. Just my job, that is still making me live in McSucky-ville. But we push on yea.

In case you were wondering what the highlight of my day was yesterday (apart from locking lips with one super cute editor boy)???.....

as i settled down into my daily routine, two of my South African bosses entered the conference room (which is ryt next to my desk)...

(Just a side note, the conference room walls are mayjah thin and because of my close proximity to the conference room-where my boss holds 90% of his crucial meetings, i can often here a LOT of the stuff that goes on in there, and let me tell you...some serious shit goes down in there!)

So, I'm happily sitting at my desk drinking my red bull, and my female lawyer boss from SA (Lawyer with killer Rack) walks by, into the conference room. A few minutes later, her colleague from SA (Lawyer with the killer Eyes) walks in, and the following conversation ensues:

Lawyer with the killer Rack: Good morning lawyer with the killer eyes

Lawyer with the killer Eyes: Hey there, Gosh, Nigerian men are hot aren't they?

LWTKR: you bet, i had to literally peel my eyes from that one dude from company A yesterday.

LWTKE: I know, bet he's not that good in bed, like tiny shlong, thats always the case.

LWTKR: What?

LWTKE: seriously, you're better off with the ones who are average lookers. Lucky for you, your husband is average, so he must be killer in bed..

At this point i have to give kudos to lawyer with the killer rack, she is all sorts of graceful and classy because i would have opened up a can of whoop-ass on that bitch. What is that about?

Anywho..

So, i had dinner with the girls last nyt, and as is always the case, the conversation always ends up being about sex, boys, boys, and shoes. So, the discussion quickly turned to boys, and dating. And then we started to talk about dating deal breakers. You know, the little (or huge and sometimes totally shallow) things that you would not be able to get past if you discovered you date possessed or did on the first date or very early on in the relationship.

The sort of shit that came out people's mouths was unbelievable. It really is tough for guys out there. Among other things, these are the mayjah (mostly shallow) deal breakers from the girls. They would never date anyone who:

1. Is a vegan
2. Studies every line of a receipt as if it was the night before his chemistry A-Level
3. Has anything by Kenny G, Barbra Streisand, or Dixie Chicks in his iTunes
4. Names any part of his anatomy
5. Can't stop talking about his wife
6. Wears sunglasses indoors

Now, i don't know about you, but these are all right up my allie. Seriously, especially in the case of number 6. Eish, i cannot get past that. We laughed our asses off...and now, shamelessly, here are my super shallow (don't judge yo) deal breakers (most of these have actually happened mind you):

1. White Socks with ANYTHING.
2. Dirty Nails/Long Nails..
3. Careless use of Fork and Knife
4. Chewing and/or talking with food in the mouth
5. Asking if i wanted to "do a line" (read: do you want some cocaine on our first date)
6. A guy who eats off my plate without asking.
7. Repeatedly calling me by his ex-girlfriends name and then lying that its his siter's name.
8. Calls his friend to report about the date--in front of me
9. Calls his wife to tell her he wont be eating at home tonight--in front of me
10. Reads Cosmo to find out how to get laid.
11. I once went on a date and the guy was really sweet and opened the car door and ordered for me and everything, until it came to desert and he not only burped the loudest burp ever, he also called the waiter a wanker.. and i never saw him again.

I love dating. (not)

*unwritten*

call me crazy

the five things I'm grateful for today:

1. lipgloss


2. books
   
3. ipod (between this and Google, which is the greater invention really?)


4. morgan tsvangirai


5. my grandmother (who i called yesterday and it took her 8min to realise she was talking to me not my aunt in Canada. bless her soul)
   

Hello humpday. Thanks for coming round so slowly yet again. Don't mind me, I'm glad you're here, coz once you show your face it means McDrunk Thursday is next and then...WOZA WEEKEND! So...as they say in Nigeria..well done.

OK, a lot of you may or may not know that Nigerians and God are tight like a virgin. So, since i moved here, i have noticed that almost every question is answered with the phrase: "we thank God". And it confused the hell outta me at first, but i soon realised they mean it the same as "fine" or "Not Bad" or "fucken ay" or "go to hell" basically, this phrase means ANYTHING and/or EVERYTHING you want it to mean.

So my coworker Alice With The Killer Shoes is in from Joburg, and she walks into the office this morning and greets colleague Femi With The Killer B.O.

Alice: Good Morning Femi, how you doing?

Femi: We Thank God.

Alice: Why?

I had to walk out. My laughter was taking over my entire body.

**Moving on. The God's smiled down on me last night. In case you were wondering what happened with editor boy. He called last night and told me i am "obviously a few fries short of a happy meal." I think we're back on track.

Anyway, onto the main point. Now, i realise there is a lot of stuff about lagos that really needs help, but i am in a good mood today having just confirmed Woody Allen (boss man) on a flight to Cameroon. Therefore, in keeping with tradition, i present...TOP 5 THINGS I LOVE ABOUT LIVING IN LAGOS:

1. STUPIDITY: not mine...theirs. Because so many people walk around with a serious common sense/good judgement deficiency, i have become a super-frekin-star at work. I mean this in the most sincere way. They say, if common sense were shoes, you'd be surprised how many people would be walking around barefoot. I am not one of those people, just glance at my ninewest shoes and you'll see.



2. BITCHY WOMEN: Man, you haven't crossed a bitch until you have crossed a Nigerian bitch. Whoa Nelly. Why is this a good thing? Because of these crazy-bust-a-cap-in-your-ass chicks, i look like such an angel. Seriously, I'm like Charlotte (sex and the city) in a land of Kate's (days of our lives-don't ask). Love it.



3. REALLY REALLY GOOD QUALITY FAKE DVDs: Don't judge me. You're stuck in traffic half your Lagos life, and these dudes are walking around with all this stuff. I am such a pro now that i have a "go-to" guy. I make a request and he gets it. Its also very addictive. Its like drugs except..shit, its exaclty like drugs- illegal and it feels damn good. I have managed to watch all of Gossip Girl (must do), Brothers and Sisters, Gilmore Girls and i am half way through The Tudors. The best bit is that the quality is freaking awesome, I mean, well, sometimes you get hit with the subtitles for greys anatomy for half an episode of The Tudors, but that's a small price to pay i think.



4. MEN WHO LOVE THEM A GOOD SIZE 12 SOUTH AFRICAN HONEY (me obvi): This may come across as bragging, but lets be honest, lets give credit where credit is due. I'm not saying I'm freaking this lady:

i mean, lets be real. But i am closer to her when i am put next to this:

i rest my case.

5. HILARIOUS QUOTES:

"my friend...you're not my friend";

"by the special grace of God i will kill you"

So...i reckon its not such a bad place to be. But be warned, before you move to Lagos you have to remember that common sense and K53 will not help you at all here, so better leave those everyday indulgences wherever you're coming from.

unwritten.

woza weekend baby

The five things I'm grateful for today:

1. the impending laziness that's brought on by weekend fever.
2. nail polish


3. the good genes that gave me my butt and my hair


4. text messages from really nice editor boys on Friday mornings checking how your hangover is treating you after Thursday night madness.
   
5. the rain.
   

Yup, that's right baby. Its Friday, and oh is it a freaking God send. Seriously, i am absolutely stoked.

I did go out last night, with a group of girls that i never really hung with, and now I'm wondering why? They were soooooooo much fun, and it was just us girls. Madness. Think men sending over bottle of champagne, loud laughter and hot shoes everywhere.

Unfortunately, because i was having so much fun with the girls we didn't get to the club "hot" until 1ish, and by that time editor boy had made like a banana and split. damn. he did however send me this text:

hey (initial of my name), this place is not so hot tonight, therefore, I'm gonna call it a night. Also feeling a bit weird staring at the door waiting for you to get here...I'll check on your hangover in the am..

2 things about this text. A. he initialled me, surely that's a sign? (wat sign?-he's lazy? he loves me?) B. he kept to his word and actually checked up on my hangover, how considerate.

Anywho, in terms of weekend plans...

well, in Lagos right now its all like this......

So I'm hoping to get some reading in. A few People are planning a trip to Benin for the weekend, and i cant go so i wanna really get some reading in. I'm in the mood for some Chick lit, so I'm headed for this book...

of course, it would be lovely to get some TV in. I'm really into style network right now.

I also googled Martha Stewart as i want to make some really good soup. My mouth is watering at some of the stuff i found on there.

On a random note, i recently discovered the joy of spending HOURS watching BBC FOOD, thus i have discovered my next obsession...

Anyway, onto more fun times. I saw this on beingbrazen and i thought it would be quite fun to do..

1. List three random things you purchased recently?

bathroom slippers, coat hangers and cat food.

2. Where were the last three places you visited?

Harare, cape town and Nairobi

3. What are your three favorite movies?

like everyone i have heaps. today they are..

a. the shawshank redemption

b. Forrest gump

c. pretty woman

4. What are your three favorite possessions?

hmmm...this is subject to change according to mood/day etc..

a. my blackberry

b. my passport

c. my car (Mazda2 which is parked at my aunt's house in jozi...tears.)

5. What three things can you not live without? (loved ones are a given)

a. my blackberry

b. Google

c. my passport

d. OMG--I JUST FORGOT MY CAT GENEVA..SHE'D BE DEVASTATED IF SHE SAW THIS.

6. What would be your three wishes?

a. to get that job hosting and producing my own TV show

b. hear my mama's voice

c. beautiful love and even more beautiful kids.

7. What are three things you have not done yet?

a. gotten a credit card (good thing)

b. been to New York City.

c. acted in a movie

8. What are your three favorite dishes?
a. nandos chicken

b. seafood laksa with extra crab

c. spicy crab and lobster with fried rice

d. lasagna (love it)
9. What three celebrities would you want to hang out with the most?
a. Madiba (given)

b. Oprah

c. Rihanna
10. Name three things that scare you:
a. snakes

b. lightning

c. the dark
11. If you could describe yourself in three words, what would they be?
a. unique

b. humble

c. loyal
12. Name three unusual things you are good at:
a. applying make up

b. knitting

c. braiding hair
13. What are three things you currently want?
a. those manolos that carrie wore when she married Big in the SATC movie

b. a dog. to be specific a pug that i will call Theo walcott (yes, i have thought about it)

c. biltong
14. Three places you most want to visit:
a. the Bahamas.

b. Sydney (i miss my girls!)

c. Chicago ( i have a fantasy that the man of my dreams is there waiting for me)

that's it from me, its an extra long post coz I'm soooooooo bored at work.

unwritten.