Call me Ally McBeal..spanx a lot..

Dear God, monday Mornings are bitches arent they?

I just feel like today is gonna be a therapy day. You know, when you wish you had a real therapist to speak to you and tell you that you are in fact crazy but you're gettin help so you'll be fine. (or is that just me?)

Now, every woman goes through that phase when the weight has gotten to the ass and the "love-handles"/"muffin top" begin peeping over the top of our jeans... well, its started to happen to me. (let me just say...i haven't been doing anything to stop it!) It started a few weeks ago when my fave pair of jeans just sort of...well..started to feel A LOT tighter...and then as soon as i fastened the button..*POP* goes the flesh over the top.


So, this has really been worrying me..in that totally superficial way, and I've been trying everything to get people to call me thin.. (and trust me, there is nothing that annoys me more than a skinny girl who continuously calls herself fat in front of people who are not as skinny as her) Let me take you back.



It all started last weekend, I'm home alone eating nandos and feeling really fat. When, on came E! most stylicious red something or another.

Anywho..they had all the stars saying how much the ..and then, a friend of mine made an announcement that would change our lives forever..she said..


"I'M GOING TO ATLANTA FOR BUSINESS OVER THE WEEKEND..YOU WANT ANYTHING?"

and i replied.. SPANX.SPANX.SPANX.


Look them up. AMAZING. AMAZING. They are a gift from heaven for women everywhere. I HIGHLY recommend them.



Anywho. The weekend was JAM packed. I swear, as i sit here, i am outta voice (thank you Jesus, i have an excuse to not speak). Seriously, my weekend was pretty much just sleep most of the day...out every night till 5/6am. Ah to be young and have an ample ass to shake.



I was invited to a birthday party for a very prominent Nigerian and it was OVER THE TOP. I'll have to write about it in another post, i have filed the pics under people will never believe you if you told them this shit actually happens. look out for that post soon!


Anyway, there were numerous parties that went down but these are SOME OF THE THINGS I LEARNT OVER THE WEEKEND presented by unwritten who got bored and has nothing else to do on a Monday morning:

ALLY McBEAL IS MY HERO: seriously, this chick rocks my world. I had never really watched the series because i was so clueless and all about Britney spears when it used to show. But i got the DVD from my editor boy with a note that said "you remind me of this chick..." on Friday. He was totally right. I am Ally McBeal (read: this is who i want to be when i grow up), except she's a lawyer, and she's white, and thin, and of course...she doesn't technically exist. Other wise, we're totally the same person. Basically, when I'm watching this show, something happens and i think, jeez, that's exactly what i would have done/said. Basically, she rocks, and even under all that blubbering mess she has a wicked sense of humour and is totally smart and has major romantic issues that make her behave like a crazy person.

ONE GLASS OF CHAMPAGNE AND I'M DANCING ON TABLES: now imagine how i would behave after 5 in one night(that was the last count)? This is in fact not something i am discovering for the first time, i know this. But champagne is my buddy, and so after 3 parties this weekend, i am going on a champagne diet. I cannot afford to continuously hop on tables and behave like i was raised in Inglewood California by drug dealing parents. seriously, esp now that i am about to be famous.

THE TWO SONGS THAT CAN TURN ME INTO A LEGIT CONTESTANT FOR "SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE" ARE:
The Good Life by KANYE WEST and American Boy by ESTELLE.
Yup, that's about it from me for today. If i find myself needing therapy later, I'll post about the numerous job offers (not the good kind) i got over the weekend and how i got so plastered that if you asked me where Friday went i will reply "fuck me".

have a pleasant Monday (lol)
*unwritten*

WANTED: a little bit of OOOMPH.

Song of the Day: The Gambler by Kenny Rogers (don't know why, the damn song is just stuck in my head)

All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done..


So, um yea.
I don't want to be like the "oh i complain all the time" kinda of blogger, but today. today i am not having a great day. I just cannot seem to keep my head above the water. So much so, that i even had to cancel an sure-to-be-alcohol-filled dinner paid for by High Flyer tonight (I'm a drunkie, and I'm proud) in favour of going home and changing to my PJs and watching season 8 of Friends.
Why am i feeling like this you might ask? Here's why...LAGOS, NIGERIA.

Now, i moved to Lagos about 5 months ago today, As comes with moving to a new city, you have to re-negotiate your bearings and yourself and blah blah- basically its a whole new ball game and there's no easy way to go about it. Now, I'm the first to admit that I'm not all there (a few fries short of a happy meal-that's me), but i have finally figured out what the secret to living in this fu*king city is (and this is very important): LEAVE ALL TRACES OF COMMON SENSE AND SENSIBILITY WHEREVER YOU'RE COMING FROM-THERE IS NONE HERE AND YOU WILL NOT NEED YOURS HERE ANYWAY.

Anyway, if u haven't already noticed, I'm in one of those foul moods, so today's post is about:

10 things i hate about my life in Lagos.

1. TRAFFIC. Now, i am coming from jozi-and the traffic is horrible at peak times, but this shit is just damn stoopid.
2. The fact that my work issued phone stopped working yesterday, i went in to the service provider's office at lunch time yesterday and was told "it's fine". Now, i was in a good mood yesterday and asked politely to see the manager who came and fiddled with the damn thing and then gave it back to me and told me to "give it a few minutes to reboot" so i smiled and thanked him. Sure enough, it worked until...this morning when i was on the other side of this city for a meeting the thing went AWOL and i was stranded coz i couldn't get hold of the driver..anyway to cut a long story short, my fone is STILL not working and NO ONE CAN TELL ME WHY. the ONLY solution is: u have to gt a new phone...this is sucky shit.
3. I have no car (i miss my Mazda 2) and so i have to rely on a 60 (just a stab i don't know how old he is) year old sadistic/suicidal maniac called TUESDAY to take me places. Uggh, i have got to get my own car.
4. My boss is south African (u would think this would be a plus), and he is just the neediest, useless, whiny, immature man in the world. He's been here 2 years and he needs me for EVERYTHING (get Ur mind out of the gutter u, its not like that!--he bats for the other team). But really, he's all "what are u having for lunch--i want the same"...bloody hell. Because of his incompetence and inability to make a decision my job often entails being his brain, and thats a lot more than i bargained for.
5. My beautiful shoes are getting ruined one nine west heel and socrati strap at a time by the stoopid dumb ass poorly maintained roads.
6. There is only ONE place to eat sushi and it will cost you an arm and a leg for half a California roll. and their not even that good. Assholes.
7. I just got a call from my house help that the DSTV aint working..."its not switchin on"--my question is, what the fu*k is she watching TV for when she's supposed to be cleaning the fridge which looks like a frat house after party?
8. My DSTV aint working dammit. Ask me again why im in a bad mood.
9. I'm only 22 and i have to start using anti aging products on my face because my frown lines are visible even when im having a good day. I swear, my face sent me an email from the future saying it looks 35 when im 29 (29=my marriage cut off. 35=children cut off) because of the time i spent in Lagos.
10. Last but definitely not least, The constant power cuts is too obvious, so here's the bane of my lagos existence---The water that comes out the tap in my bathroom smells like its coming from one of those open drains around this city. I.e. AWFUL. its so bad that i have to brush my teeth and wash my face in the kitchen because I'm convinced it is sewage water in tap water colours.

Rant over. Incompetent fool who is my boss (i shall call him Wood Allen-W.A if u like) is waiting to ask me what I'll dream about tonight so he can copy me.

till next time. unwritten.