The one with the audacity of hope..aka. my opinion rant numero uno

Lets just have one huge HEARTY..:

WOOOZZZAAA WEEKEND!!!!!!!

I cannot begin to express the joy spilling from my entire being at waking up this morning and realised..OMFG..its Friday! And i knew someecards would have the best card..hence

c'mon people, lets be honest. these cards are the coolest thing since Google...and blogger of course

Last night i went to dinner with my daddy.

It was cool to just spend time with my old man.

At the table next to us was a family celebrating Grandma's 80th bday and natch grandma, daughter and gran daughter were there. And gran daughter's kid was there as well, it was all very sweet. 4 generations. I was feeling an appreciation for God and the miracle of life and how we all start out so tiny and look at us now..

unwritten: wow, isn't that amazing, the miracle of life? i mean wow, don't you just get all emotional thinking how i used to be so tiny and now look at me, its amazing isn't it?

unwritten's dad: what's amazing is how I've survived 23 years with very few suicidal thoughts and mild alcoholism. That's what the miracle is.

i don't care what they say, i know he loves me.

On a more serious note yo...

Last night i slept over at my editor boy's place. Now, you know those people in Lagos who are driving around with Obama bumper stickers and have about 10 shirts that say the same thing that they wear everywhere, and who will make every conversation end up being about how "passionate" Senator Obama is..that's my editor boy. Its gotten so bad that if i wanna be in there with a chance of having sex, i have to put CNN on as an aphrodisiac...yes, he's that obsessed.

Anywho..OK, so he warned me that we would be getting up at 3am...WTF?? you might ask...why, Barack Obama's acceptance of the democratic nomination of course.

If you didn't see it (which is likely unless you live in the states), and you actually give a damn (which i wouldn't judge...but c'mon??!!!)...then make the effort. I found it super worth while watching that speech..

I always said that there is no reason for me to have any passionate feelings about their politics and policies and especially their elections. I mean, i have to say, my faith in the American voting system (and Americans in general) took a nose dive in 2000, just when i was realising that politics is pretty interesting to me.

...and then those elections happened, and i was in Zim at the time...and you can pretty much see where this is going yea? To make matters worse, in 2004 i assumed, the people of the great nation-the land of dreams would wake up and realise what an idiot George W is..but then they voted him back and i just realised that, yes--American politics affects every single in the world directly or indirectly--but they obviously don't know the power they have or the privilege they are presented with by being legible to vote in America, so screw them. I don't care anymore.

And then, one afternoon, I'm watching Oprah and her senator (Illinois) came on with his beautiful wife to promote his book "The Audacity Of Hope"...and Oprah point blank asked the Senator.."are you gonna run for president?" and he declined to answer. I have to say..i think we all knew he was gonna do it.

Now, a few years later, he has won the Democratic nomination and he's spearheading a campaign that promises one thing to America (and indirectly-the world) one thing: CHANGE.

There was a little spark ignited in me when he won the party nomination, but in all honesty it was a tough one to call. I can honestly say that, had Hilary won the nomination, it would have been a huge step for women everywhere...but making me choose was like making me choose if i am black before i am a woman..i am both at exactly the same time.

Now, all of a sudden, the inner politico in me is fired up and feeling a need to follow this race with as much anticipation as i have awaiting the next season of "The Hills" (don't judge yo).

I have to say, all my scepticism aside, the Americans need to get up there, and be counted. If 8 years of George W and the War are not enough to get you to crave a change, a different opinion, then Americans, consider this.

Will you please take off your rose coloured/ignorance glasses (in all fairness, not all of you are still wearing these) and look at the rest of the world. I can name, off the top of my head, more then 10 countries where people would be in physical danger for endorsing and openly acknowledging their alliance to a political party, where people have never heard the phrase "your vote counts"..or people who would die to actually know for sure that their vote really does count.

I say this, as a 22year old who has never voted, and as long as things are still this way, will never see the need in casting a vote. (in zim)

Watching Senator Obama give this inspirational speech, i couldn't help but think about how much Africa needs a man like that. I mean, hey, we are blessed to have Madiba, and Tutu and the Late Mwanawasa among others, and they done all they can, and even as Madiba has said they (his generation) have done all they can and "now it is up to the next generation to make use of our hard work and raise up worthy leaders of their own" . I agree. But c'mon, its not looking promising is it?

I mean, there are obviously some people who will come up and make a difference, we know that, but would they hurry up already? I cannot wait to see such an inspired African on our continent. A man (or woman) who would make people overflow with hope and ignite a movement of Africans who believe that a change they can truly believe in is one vote away. That would be amazing for this continent. We need change we can believe in much sooner than we care to acknowledge.

I mean, obviously, it would be truly historic if Obama was elected...but regardless, even the McCain supporters need to get their vote on. Its a privilege to be told, and truly know that every vote counts. Its not the land of the free and the home of the brave for no reason now is it?

I wish i could believe in the politicians closer to home the way i do Obama.

Here's to an amazing weekend. It goes without saying the rest is well deserved, even if i did put off 90% of my work load till next week. Thus screwing myself in the process.

*unwritten*

The one where i am a mentor..

Hello world,

Its good to be back..dammit, its been like ten years.

I have to say this again, i am so in love with blogging that when i don't, i feel like my therapy session if waaaay overdue, and i start behaving like a mad woman-which comes more naturally than i like to acknowledge.

The working world has not been kind to me, its been event after dinner after meeting after meeting and e.t.c.

Basically, because i work for a South African organisation, and there are only 3 South Africans who are posted to this office, one is the legal advisor and the other is my immediate boss who is always out or in Pretoria (what the point of sending him here was i will never know), that leaves me as the only other South(ern) African working here and thus responsible for any (read: ALL) communication and interaction with any foreign people we deal with.

Not because the powers that be in Pretoria feel its for the good of the companies rep..no, just because the immediate boss couldn't give a fuck. So he just passes all that shit to me.

I mean, i LOVE meeting people, and i have always said that I'm in my element when i have to deal with people who i have never met before I just rock at that shit (not to be humble or anything!), but--call me an alcoholic-- but i suffer every time i attend a function on behalf of my boss and i cannot constantly fill my glass with red wine because I'm "working"...if the booze is there people, its there to be drunk. No?

The other problem is that its EXHAUSTING! I have had event after event to plan, i planned a surprise birthday party and even got so corporate i flew to Abuja (capital city) for literally 5 hours to hit up a meeting and got right back on the flight back to Lagos. How awesome am I feeling...

Anywho, about the trip to Abuja i had the best time, i really felt like a business person. I had to be at the airport at 6am, and got access to the business class lounge. I was on the flight back to lagos at 1500hr and headed straight to the office.

Sooo On the flight, i sat next to this American dude who was cute as hell, and he too was going to Abuja for the day.

Turns out, we were going to the same meeting.

Let me just tell you that there is something magically awkward about flirting with a cute as hell man for an hour, and then walking into the meeting room and finding him sitting across the room from you...ahhh. Even better..he was on the flight back with me but we didnt sit next to each other. When the flight landed i was so shocked at how good looking he was after not seeing his face for an hour that the first thing that came out of my mouth was

"jesus, thank Goodness for poverty in africa, or we would never have attended that meeting".

altogether now..IDIOT!

Needless to say we exchanged numbers and let the flirty texts begin. I mean, nothing will happen with him (well, i mean obv, coz i have my ed boy) but its fun to have someone from the work world who looks like Will Smith (i.kid.u.not) to be friends with. But i Digress.

I heart my work these days, even though its demanding i feel challenged and i am getting much better at dealing with the Nigerian people in a business setting. Even though i am dealing mainly with ex-pats these days.

Anyway, i have finally gotten a bit of a break coz i have been handed some help in the form of a new assistant in the Pretoria office who is here for 2 weeks, and because i am the youngest person in the vicinity, the office people thought that they would stick us together and we would get along like a house on fire (is this really a good analogy after my last post?)..lucky for the both of us, they were right.

She got here on Monday and she's the prettiest thing, and so sweet, and stylish and boy does she hate her job! So, natch, we have soooooooo much to talk about! I predict a great future for our friendship.

Anywho, we're covering a few meetings and events which is great, and even better is i can take her around socially as well. Last night we hit up happy hour after a meeting that ended at 7.30pm and we sat there and bitched about EVERYONE of our bosses. And filled each other in on our respective office goss, ahhh, good times! *(just as a side note, lagos totally rocks the work drama..we have office quickies and husband stealing, where pretoria has client humping and theft..puh )*

I feel like her big sister, no..her mentor. When she can't understand the Nigerians i translate, and when she needed to find a good pharmacy, i took her, lunch? she asks me. Names? she looks to me. I feel so needed! i know as a fact that she would be having a much harder time if i wasn't there (well, it helps me sleep better at night when i tell myself this). She particularly made my life when she told me "eveyone talks about how cool it is that you have become so relevant at the lagos office. I think thats really admirable, considering how hard it seems to be...and you have amazing style" (fine, i made up the style thing...and i paraphrased, but you get the picture ok).

The ONLY thing I'm worried about is that when i take her out this weekend and i get completely smashed, I'll tell her about my blog and that the mole on her neck really bugs me...fingers crossed that doesn't happen y'all.

Before i head back to being an amazing big sister/mentor/go to girl/awesome i have to share this. I have sooooo many Muslim friends, and Ramadan is coming up, so i sent them all this card:

Please tell me this is the funniest shit!

*unwritten*

The one where i almost died*

*slight exaggeration

WARNING..THIS IS AN EXTREMELY LONG POST

So, there was some mad ass drama at my house this morning. Before i get to that harrowing experience, i have to say,

I think the thing about living in Nigeria---esp Lagos that people don't get (until they get here) is that Africa Magic is in now way shape or form omitting ANYTHING about what life in Nigeria is like. What they do neglect to portray is the utter confusion and havoc that is a day grind in this place. Its just such ridiculous stuff that you just have to stop and laugh, Compose yourself and then go about your business. For example:

last night was my good friend SWAY's birthday, so we decided to get the crew together and go out for dinner to a real swanky Italian restaurant.

I mean, this place is nice and classy and most of the ex-pat contingent was there. (just as a side note, out of the whole table of 12, there was only one Nigerian, and she herself is half American) so you'd expect impeccable service and great food (u know what, the food was actually good)..anyway, we get there, and we get the menu. As we plan to get absolutely shit faced (which we did), we took a look at the wine list..

Waiter: here is you wine list

SWAY: well, from experience, i know that this is a joke and you prob don't have any of these wines, so how about we skip the dance and you tell me what you have..

Waiter: everything is there

SWAY: are you sure?

waiter: seriously aunty, everything is there

SWAY: OK, we'll have this white and this red.

the waiter goes off, 20min later..(as if you don't know whats coming..)

AUNTY, THOSE WINES YOU SELECTED ARE NOT IN STOCK...

which ones do you have?

AUNTY, WE ONLY HAVE THIS ONE AND THIS ONE..

stop, laugh and keep going.

Anyway, so on the big, "i almost died today" news..

the apartment we live in almost burnt down today.

Well, basically this is what happened:

I woke up this morning with a jolt--i was having a nightmare, so i was a bit shaken. Look over to the alarm clock..its 5.45am. Dammit, i hate when that happens coz i usually set my alarm for 6am. So I'm lying there in a bit of a daze, my night lamp is off (I'm afraid of the dark people)--which means that there is no NEPA (Nigerian equivalent to ESKOM)..but after like 30 secs, i realise that the generator has not kicked in...hmm. But I'm still in a daze and glad the nightmare wasn't real when my phone rings

its our cook...i answer very hazily and the next thing i hear is a panicky voice

AUNTY..WHERE ARE YOU..GET OUT OF THE HOUSE, THE BUILDING IS ON FIRE!!!!!

(mind you, the smoke detectors have no made a peep!)

now, this has always been one of my worst fears. Fire in the building. So, i hear my dad and step mom in the corridor discussing going down to tell them to switch on the generator.

I get up, and tell them that the house help (not maid -coz he's a guy...) just called me to tell me there is a fire. But there is no noise and the smoke detectors haven't made a sound (looking back, that was a little presumptuous and very ex-pat of us to assume they worked) and there is absolutely no sign of smoke...so i walk to the front door, and the minute i open it..the amount of smoke coming through almost choked me.

By now...I'm in full on panic mode (internally)...i mean the minute 16yr old girl who manages my brain was screaming "abandon ship...jump"

..but i was outwardly really calm.

I closed the door. Locked it. Grabbed the couch cover rolled it at the bottom of the door. Told the parentals that there was in fact a fire..and then calmly went to my room, got my phone (meanwhile..the girl in my brain was screaming: what the fuck bitch..you're gonna get stuck in here if this building explodes because you had to get your blackberry??)..then get the keys for the back door off the hook and put some shoes on.

So, we get downstairs and the neighbours are all there.

The french dude who lives below us is in MAYJAH panic mode. He's all tears and shit, and i totally sympathise because nothing was being done quick enough (read: at all) to save his possessions..this was mainly because:

• the property manager who has a house on site...was out. and his phone was off. of course.
• out of 4 security guards that are on duty at a time...there was only ONE present..why? the rest had bolted. GONE
• the nearest fire station to our place is a 15 min drive away and there was no one in the vicinity who had any idea of how to reach them except drive there.

Again, my reaction shocked me.

I told the house helps and the ONE security guard to remove the diesel from the premises immediately. (honestly, i don't know how i thought to do this)

We then sent one of the drivers to go to the fire house and tell them to come asap.

In the meantime, a crowd had gathered outside...people staring as this poor man's possessions burnt down.

After about 15min, the driver who went to the fire station calls and says he has to go to the other one (10min away from where he was already) because the trucks at the first station have no diesel to move anywhere...WELCOME TO FUCKING LAGOS BITCHES.

So, we told him to first ask if they could radio ahead.."NO THEY HAVE NO NEPA...SO THEY CANNOT LOCATE THE RADIOS.."

In the meantime, my step-mom is freeee.king. OUT. The woman is just havoc. I mean, you would have thought it was her place burning. I mean, of course we were worried the fire would spread, but the french neighbour kept assuring us he did his best to contain it.

He managed to tell me that he awoke to smoke in his house, opened the door to his living room and the air conditioner (which was not even on mind you) was literally sparking..so he called the security and they told him to "GO AND SWITCH IT OFF"..i mean..WHAT??

So anyway, in the meantime, i call my pal who lives a couple of minutes from me, and say this

OMG JOURNO FRIEND, MY HOUSE IN BURNING DOWN AND I'M STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF MY STREET FREAKING THE FUCK OUT, PLEASE COME OVER

to which he replied

OMG, AND YOU SAVED YOUR BLACKBERRY FIRST??

Anywho, he shows up..(what a sweety..he still looked asleep when he got there)..and he starts to communicate with people in yoruba. I think that it was just calming to have a familiar face around.

And he managed to actually calm the step-parental's nerves.

So, the worst bit was when the french man just announced he was dashing in to try and save some stuff...we all advised him against it, but he had desperation in his voice and it consumed him. He went in there, he was there for about 5 min..thank God he made it out alive, but as i watched him hacking, i couldn't help but feel great sadness and guilt. Sadness because, imagine, you're a french guy brought here to LAGOS NIGERIA by work, you FINALLY ship your shit over (which can get stuck at the port for months) only to have it all burn away all because of an electrician who had no idea what he was doing.

Guilt because i couldn't stop thinking to myself how grateful i was that it wasn't us.

So, we soon found out that it wasn't as dire as we thought, it was just that one of the poor french guy's air cons went kookoo, and because of poor wiring in the house, three others caught on fire as well. Basically we were lucky that nothing else caught on fire. The french dude's house was badly burnt, but last i heard it was only in the living/dining area.

We were out there for 3 hours so i only managed to get to work at 11am.

the first thing my not-even-by-boss says to me??

GOOD AFTERNOON MISS UNWRITTEN. I WISH I HAD YOUR KOOSHY JOB, THEN I COULD JUST STROLL IN ANYTIME I WANT.

i was so tempted to tell him the story, but i decided against it coz i knew that him hearing the story from someone else would make him feel like more of an ass.

I was ryt. he sent me an email asking if i wanted him to order lunch for me when he was ordering for himself. LOSER.

I just got off the phone with my editor boy and he really hit home with an excellent observation he made:

"funny, you called your male friend first and you haven't called me till now to tell me that you almost died (slight exaggeration)...how high am i on your list of priorities?"..i really don't want to deal with this right now. even if he is right.

glad to still be with you

*unwritten*

the one with an intimate letter

TO MY LOVELY LADYBUG..

hi mama.

I know its quite strange that this letter isn't being written in my diary this year, but i figure its still written right? and mom, really, we have to keep up with the times!

Isn't it weird that its been 11 years of birthday letters... And now, every time it comes by, for weeks prior all i can think about is what i would get for you if you were still here.

Many might think that its strange that 11 years have passed and i still celebrate for you, but i don't think its strange, and i sure as heck know you don't think its strange, that's who we are ha?!

Anyway, i was doing my research, and i have found a present that i would get you if you were here...SPANX. I'm not saying you're fat, but every woman needs a pair mama, and even Oprah wears them, and i know that would be the one fact that would make you secretly wear them, even if you act like you are offended i got them for you. Joker. You know what else. I would probably get an outfir made for you from amazing Ghanaian cloth. I know you'd sooo appreciate it. Also, i would so get you the Leona Lewis CD called "SPIRIT", you'd love it darling.

Also, being that we are in Lagos now, we wouldn't be able be have our annual KFC binge, but i have a feeling dad would have flown us to Jozi for the weekend anyway.

I used to look soooooo forward to having those binges (maybe binge is the wrong word?)..because your birthday was the only day of the year that anyone in our family was allowed to have junk (that you knew of).

What im sure you miss most is the (burnt) breakfast in bed that daddy used to make for you. Again, thank you for ensuring he became a master chef when he grew up, because God knows how much i need his help on Sundays when i cannot even step foot in the kitchen without needing to leg it to the bathroom to chundah (Australian for throw up).

Mama, i have to say, i know you worry endlessly about what goes on when I'm by myself, those few minutes before i fall asleep. It's gonna stop, i promise you. Its just, as you know, it hasn't been an easy road getting to this point where the thought of the things we missed does not affect me to the point where i had to throw myself into places and situations where people gave me attention that i thought was love. We know we're past that. Today, in no way shape or form are we gonna be sad. You have my promise, im not gonna shed a tear today, what for? Its the day you were born, we're gonna party like its 1964!

I gotta say, you'll be glad to know that i still use that lipstick technique you taught me when i was 9 and a little too young to be wearing make up. Those mama and me modelling classes were fun werent they? Of course, you were the model, not me, i just went coz i loved seeing you dressed up and in your element. I still watch Miss Universe and Miss World religiously, that was our thing wasn't it.

You'll also be extremely proud to know that even though we never went into much depth about boys and sex i still have no qualms telling a man to fuck off (my words not yours obv). Stop laughing mama, coz there is a boy in picture now, he's sweet and really seems to like me.

Basically mama, on this day that would be your 44th Birthday, (we would tell everyone you're 40 and that I'm your sister.) i just wanna let you know that you are ALWAYS on my mind. I also need you to know that i know you're around, you know i know, that's why you do sweet things to remind me like ladybugs landing on me more often than anyone i know and like the sudden bursts of warmth i feel embracing me when I'm sad.

So, here's to you my exquisite mama.

In the short as hell 33 years of life that zoomed past in what seemed a blink of an eye you managed to leave the world not only with such a beautiful grace, but such positivity that even those who never knew you see your humility and infectious joy through your captivating eyes in pictures.

In the short 11 years we knew each other we sure did have our ups and downs, but, almost as if we knew we had such a limited time together we packed so much laughter and joy into everyday we spent together, and if you recall we barely left each other's side.

We will both always feel as though those 11 years were not enough, but just think of our lives if we had never known each other at all.

Happy birthday strong woman.

I miss you more than you will ever know, and thank you for showing me a glimpse of motherly love. Even though i was too young to appreciate how much a mother means, if i turn out to be half the woman and mother you were, my life will be immensely worth while.

I keep your warm smile and gentle voice in my heart.

i love you mama.

Sweet Dreams my lady bug, until next year..

*unwritten*

Call me Ally McBeal..spanx a lot..

Dear God, monday Mornings are bitches arent they?

I just feel like today is gonna be a therapy day. You know, when you wish you had a real therapist to speak to you and tell you that you are in fact crazy but you're gettin help so you'll be fine. (or is that just me?)

Now, every woman goes through that phase when the weight has gotten to the ass and the "love-handles"/"muffin top" begin peeping over the top of our jeans... well, its started to happen to me. (let me just say...i haven't been doing anything to stop it!) It started a few weeks ago when my fave pair of jeans just sort of...well..started to feel A LOT tighter...and then as soon as i fastened the button..*POP* goes the flesh over the top.


So, this has really been worrying me..in that totally superficial way, and I've been trying everything to get people to call me thin.. (and trust me, there is nothing that annoys me more than a skinny girl who continuously calls herself fat in front of people who are not as skinny as her) Let me take you back.



It all started last weekend, I'm home alone eating nandos and feeling really fat. When, on came E! most stylicious red something or another.

Anywho..they had all the stars saying how much the ..and then, a friend of mine made an announcement that would change our lives forever..she said..


"I'M GOING TO ATLANTA FOR BUSINESS OVER THE WEEKEND..YOU WANT ANYTHING?"

and i replied.. SPANX.SPANX.SPANX.


Look them up. AMAZING. AMAZING. They are a gift from heaven for women everywhere. I HIGHLY recommend them.



Anywho. The weekend was JAM packed. I swear, as i sit here, i am outta voice (thank you Jesus, i have an excuse to not speak). Seriously, my weekend was pretty much just sleep most of the day...out every night till 5/6am. Ah to be young and have an ample ass to shake.



I was invited to a birthday party for a very prominent Nigerian and it was OVER THE TOP. I'll have to write about it in another post, i have filed the pics under people will never believe you if you told them this shit actually happens. look out for that post soon!


Anyway, there were numerous parties that went down but these are SOME OF THE THINGS I LEARNT OVER THE WEEKEND presented by unwritten who got bored and has nothing else to do on a Monday morning:

ALLY McBEAL IS MY HERO: seriously, this chick rocks my world. I had never really watched the series because i was so clueless and all about Britney spears when it used to show. But i got the DVD from my editor boy with a note that said "you remind me of this chick..." on Friday. He was totally right. I am Ally McBeal (read: this is who i want to be when i grow up), except she's a lawyer, and she's white, and thin, and of course...she doesn't technically exist. Other wise, we're totally the same person. Basically, when I'm watching this show, something happens and i think, jeez, that's exactly what i would have done/said. Basically, she rocks, and even under all that blubbering mess she has a wicked sense of humour and is totally smart and has major romantic issues that make her behave like a crazy person.

ONE GLASS OF CHAMPAGNE AND I'M DANCING ON TABLES: now imagine how i would behave after 5 in one night(that was the last count)? This is in fact not something i am discovering for the first time, i know this. But champagne is my buddy, and so after 3 parties this weekend, i am going on a champagne diet. I cannot afford to continuously hop on tables and behave like i was raised in Inglewood California by drug dealing parents. seriously, esp now that i am about to be famous.

THE TWO SONGS THAT CAN TURN ME INTO A LEGIT CONTESTANT FOR "SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE" ARE:
The Good Life by KANYE WEST and American Boy by ESTELLE.
Yup, that's about it from me for today. If i find myself needing therapy later, I'll post about the numerous job offers (not the good kind) i got over the weekend and how i got so plastered that if you asked me where Friday went i will reply "fuck me".

have a pleasant Monday (lol)
*unwritten*

The one where i became a superstar

First of all, dear VIM, i took your advice--well, sort of. I hope its OK now??





Yo, I've been going batty around here without my blog. Seriously, this shit is way too addictive and I've been feeling the withdrawal symptoms so bad that yesterday i wrote a report for the boss and at the end i wrote *unwritten*...

There have been a lot of improvements around here, and a lot of things that have managed to royally piss me off.





THE PISS-OFF CULPRITS:





NUMERO UNO. Unwritten's laptop had a diva moment and is now refusing to wake up for anything under $200. Bitch.


OK, granted my life doesn't suck, its still a lot to deal with this no laptop situation.




NUMERO DOS. The Disney Channel. I'm so fed up of freakin watching the same ass episodes of Hannah Montana (real name Miley Cyrus) and The Suite Life of Zach and Cody. They have GOT to get updated. I'm going crazy here.




NUMERO TRES. Editor boy. Don't get me wrong, i dig him, but i get the feeling he doesn't realise that my age (or his) has nothing to do with the fact that i am totally neurotic. That, i got from genetics.




Also, lately, i have become the lady about town. I'm that person you see at lunch on Saturday, then at dinner, and then at the club and then brunch on Sunday and then the movies on Sunday evening (wanted to watch MAMA MIA but my editor boy felt emasculated and we watched BATMAN instead. Men.).
Editor boy says his sister is like me, and that he commonly refers to her as a social whore (she totally is!)..i laughed at the time, but writing it just made me realise he basically called me a whore too.
Anywho, he'll be glad he met me when he did, and that i totally laughed when he came out and called me a whore because all my (social) whoring has landed me a slot in the wide open celebrity world of...NOLLYWOOD!!!!!!!

That's right, the unwritten you know (and love obv) is weeks away from a role in a NOLLYWOOD TV series..
I was so jump out or my skin excited that i still don't know how i went into a karaoke party sober and came out shit-face drunk with an appointment for an audition for a TV show.
Anywho, long story short, i went in, i talked, brought on the charm and now...I'm gonna be famous!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Since that day, i have been playing nickelback's ROCKSTAR on repeat and practising my autograph on almost anything.
And then editor boy had to burst my bubble (in case u hadn't noticed, the honeymoon is over coz he is all about the damn tough love--the chase is over.) and remind me that no one has become a worldwide superstar through nollywood (true) and that i will only appear on an episode around end of November, and that i still haven't even filmed a thing for them (him and his truth). Ugh, he's so lucky he's cute and likes to kiss me, or it would soooo be over. Regardless, i still had to really contemplate what will change in my life after i become huger than Oprah (not literally obv):

1. my name: jeez, my real name is so bland, i was contemplating changing it to something meaningful and powerful and that can be shortened to one word when i really hit it freakin big. U know, there's only ONE OPRAH, ANGIE, BRITNEY..u get it yea.
2. my friends. this obviously goes without saying but I'm gonna need to stop hanging with the sane people I've known forever and start being a (bigger and better) party girl. Obviously I'll need to get a drug dealer and a celeb boyf--obv someone a little more famous than me. Oh, and I'll definitely need a lawyer for when i get busted for DUI/Sued.
3. my story: i obv cant go around doing interviews and telling people i was too drunk when i got *discovered* to remember what happened. So, from now onwards i have to be really careful to remember every detail when I'm doing the vanity fair interview about how i was just cruising with the much more humble boy toy and how the producer noticed me when i dropped my glass of orange juice and picked up the glass pieces myself (this will showcase humility). Also, the other story to change will be my family background, seriously, only child born Mugabe's country is not dramatic enough, I'll need to begin to portray my dad as an aclo and my step mom as a money hungry whore who stole my dad's cash every time he passed out on the couch and spent the money on herself and so all i had growing up was myself and the dream of one day being an actress. Also, from now on, I'm totally in it for passion "i would be doing this even if i weren't being paid 2million naira an episode"
4. my hair two words POB and KATIE HOMLES..oh and RIHANNA (OK, three words or more)
5. i have to begin to appreciate twins.
6. this blog never happened: I'm soooooooo gonna deny any involvement in the blogging world.
7. i gotta stop wearing tracksuits and no make up to the grocery store: paparazzi, i vow to never let you catch me leave the house in anything unfabulous, and if i must wear tracksuits, I'm gonna be rocking that juicy couture like its my baby o.

Other than that, my life is gonna be exactly the same. I promise.

The only thing that is concerning me is if I'll have to act in a Nigerian accent or not...coz I'm thinking that nollywood ride will come to a screeching halt when they realise im not a real Nigerian. but hey, that dude Hugh Laurie who plays house is British and i bet you didn't know till i just told you.

Better appreciate me now people, I'm gonna be freaking famous in a matter of months*

*unwritten*

*for some reason the casting agent guy hasn't called me back since my screen test..hmmm

I GOT BORED..

I changed my template.

I've said before that i get bored very easily. And i was tired. So the new template probably wont last long, but lets see shall we.


So, I'm chipper today..why?
Well, for the first time in a while (like..4 months) i didn't go out on a Thursday night.



Yup.


The people at work were shocked when i got in early and that i am totally freakin functional today. I feel super cool.



The only problem is, i don't have an excuse for being completely unproductive and aloof in the office today.

And it doesn't help that my bosses are here and they are in full force today. They are all about patrolling the office, with the hopes of catching some poor sucker doing something their not supposed to be doing-you know, like blogging, browsing, watching the Olympic opening ceremony etc(not that i would ever do any of that on company time).






I have to admit, i am quite proud of being a major offender of the "great ways to waste time at the office" crimes because at any given time i can be found doing something that has absolutely nothing to do with anything about work and that ultimately reduces productivity.
I mean, i eventually get shit done, but if i applied myself and stopped doing the shit i do, i would get it done in half the time.


But, the difference today is..because i am usually hung over like a mother bitch on Fridays, my Fridays are mainly filled with constant red bull drinking and wishing death upon all the loud ass voiced in the office. Today however, i am completely sober hence...things i do at work on the (one) Fridays I'm not hungover:

1. WALK EVERYWHERE

I'm usually so freaking hungover and tired that i am comatose and have no strength or will to live to do anything..so today, I'm all over the place, walking to the colour printer and i even walked to the kitchen to put hot water in my cup (I'm usually so hungover/still drunk that i drink it with cold water-judge me)

2. CLOSELY OBSERVE AN EBAY AUCTION EVEN THOUGH I CANNOT BID

I am currently very intently watching an eBay auction for these amazing specimens of human creation and genius..

MANOLO BLAHNIK POPPY MARY JANES

I've been watching for 3 hours and they're up to $750. OMG, i hope "walmartgirl" gets them, she seems nice, "Greta" is just being too aggressive.

3. CONCENTRATE.

I don't think i need to explain.

4. EAT.

i.e. I can eat or even think of food without wanting to either dash to the bathroom to upchuck or gouge my stomach out. This is not necessarily a good thing because...well, now all i can think about is food. So far I've had a tuna sandwich, niknaks, biltong, a mars bar, 4 samosas, 4 spring rolls and i just ordered nandos for lunch.

5. SPIKE MY COFFEE WITH AMARULA.

Obviously, the hang over doesn't usually allow me to live out my alcoholic fantasy of having coffee and amarula all day without anyone knowing..the only issue with this is that i have now had 4 cups (read:mugs) of coffee with half a bottle of amarula that i keep in my desk drawer and now I'm drunk again and need to head to the lunch room to sleep on the floor coz I'm wasted.

In other news. Tomorrow is women's day. I am all about celebrating women, i love being a woman (i think i can finally call myself that).

What am i doing tomorrow? I just decided that I'm gonna switch off my phone and I'm gonna sit in front of the TV with ice cream and my favourite DVDs like pretty woman, the devil wears prada, little miss sunshine, crossroads (yes. the Britney spears one. sue me) and notting hill. I have this need to be alone, sometimes a woman just needs to appreciate herself and remind herself that no one person can give her love more than herself.

here's a big WOZA WEEKEND BABY!!!!!!!!

*unwritten*

P.D.A and firsts..

Yo hommies.

So, it has been a minute ha?! Seriously, when i don't a chance to come over and write i feel weird, like a serious lack of something. I reckon it makes me more stressed out not being able to blog.!
Anywho, i have been under the stress commonly known as work shit. But i am glad to report that i survived and I'm swinging.

So, Editor Boy is good too in case you care. We have been seeing a lot of each other and its awesome. Although, I'm a ashamed to admit that we are culprits of the very annoying and utterly in-excusable and very annoying P.D.A.
I mean, i have always been very annoyed by the "hand in the back pocket" and by the "kissing in the line to the movies" ugghhh.
I have always maintained (maybe coz i was single???) that all shows of affection should be kept for the privacy of your own home. And that there is no possible way that people could not be able to keep their hands (or their mouths) off each other so long as to "canoodle".


But now...now, i am one of those people. Well, not the hand in the back pocket thing, but like the other night, EB and i were at dinner, sitting in the corner booth, and he just leaned in and before i knew it, it was an all out make out sesh. The only reason we came up for air was when the waiter dropped/threw our drinks onto the table. I just kept thinkin to myself...OMG I'm one half of those fu*king annoying ass couples...
I was really embarrassed and the strangest thing is that EB is all about Public.Displays. of Affection. I mean, I'm not complaining that he likes planting one on me in the middle of a sentence, but i am feeling a little like a have crossed over to the dark side...


Anyway, i was catching up on my blog reading when i saw this really interesting post on expensive's blog. She was talking about her firsts..

A few of my FIRSTS and ONE LAST:



Had my first loss at 10, when my mama died. It wasn't sudden, she was in and out of hospital for a while, i just didn't think that was the time she wouldn't check out.


I was the first black kid to attend my private primary school. I was 5 and i can honestly say that i have no memory of the kids being anything other than being very sweet and i made lots of friends very quickly. The meanest thing done/said to me came from adults. Other people's parents and one teacher. I stayed at that school for 7 years, by then, there were so many black kids we were pretty much even.

The first movie i saw on the big screen was "THE LION KING". best experience ever.


Had my first kiss when i was 15. I was the last one out of everyone i knew and lied about it for a while. He was the love of my life and we still laugh about how awkward it was.


I smoked my first ciggie when i was 19. No kidding. I had always been that girl who would ridicule people for smoking. I am now on about 4 a day. I have quite 3 times and am about to go for a 4th.


I got drunk for the first time when i was 14. It was my cousin and i. We snuck into the store room and stole one of my dad's beer. It was f-ing gross.


Had my first sexual encounter when i was 17. With the same boy who gave the first kiss. It was romantic and i thought it was right. Looking back i would have waited till i was ready.


Had my first pregnancy scare when i was 19. i was so freaked out. Like an idiot, I've had 2 more after that. Don't ask.


The first time i moved out of home i was 17 and moving to Australia by myself. I didn't know a soul and wasn't sure about accommodation. On that 13hr flight to Sydney, i sat next to a Thai girl and a Malawian girl. We would end up moving in together and being the best of friends. We were all under 18 and taking a chance.


The first time a guy told me he loved me. He lied. The first time i told a guy i loved him, i thought i was being honest.


I got my first H.I.V test when i was 17, for my Aussie visa. Obviously it was negative. I now go twice a year and i can honestly say i get nervous every time.
The first person i ever touched who had A.I.D.S was a family friend. I was about 8 and she cried when i hugged her. She died a few years ago, she is definately an angel.


The last place i ever expected to be when i was 22 was Lagos Nigeria, falling for a really sweet man and working a for a really bitter old ass. Having the best laughs of my life and crying myself to sleep more than i like to admit.

*unwritten*

THE.FUNNIEST.THING.

This made my monday.