the one with an intimate letter

TO MY LOVELY LADYBUG..

hi mama.

I know its quite strange that this letter isn't being written in my diary this year, but i figure its still written right? and mom, really, we have to keep up with the times!

Isn't it weird that its been 11 years of birthday letters... And now, every time it comes by, for weeks prior all i can think about is what i would get for you if you were still here.

Many might think that its strange that 11 years have passed and i still celebrate for you, but i don't think its strange, and i sure as heck know you don't think its strange, that's who we are ha?!

Anyway, i was doing my research, and i have found a present that i would get you if you were here...SPANX. I'm not saying you're fat, but every woman needs a pair mama, and even Oprah wears them, and i know that would be the one fact that would make you secretly wear them, even if you act like you are offended i got them for you. Joker. You know what else. I would probably get an outfir made for you from amazing Ghanaian cloth. I know you'd sooo appreciate it. Also, i would so get you the Leona Lewis CD called "SPIRIT", you'd love it darling.

Also, being that we are in Lagos now, we wouldn't be able be have our annual KFC binge, but i have a feeling dad would have flown us to Jozi for the weekend anyway.

I used to look soooooo forward to having those binges (maybe binge is the wrong word?)..because your birthday was the only day of the year that anyone in our family was allowed to have junk (that you knew of).

What im sure you miss most is the (burnt) breakfast in bed that daddy used to make for you. Again, thank you for ensuring he became a master chef when he grew up, because God knows how much i need his help on Sundays when i cannot even step foot in the kitchen without needing to leg it to the bathroom to chundah (Australian for throw up).

Mama, i have to say, i know you worry endlessly about what goes on when I'm by myself, those few minutes before i fall asleep. It's gonna stop, i promise you. Its just, as you know, it hasn't been an easy road getting to this point where the thought of the things we missed does not affect me to the point where i had to throw myself into places and situations where people gave me attention that i thought was love. We know we're past that. Today, in no way shape or form are we gonna be sad. You have my promise, im not gonna shed a tear today, what for? Its the day you were born, we're gonna party like its 1964!

I gotta say, you'll be glad to know that i still use that lipstick technique you taught me when i was 9 and a little too young to be wearing make up. Those mama and me modelling classes were fun werent they? Of course, you were the model, not me, i just went coz i loved seeing you dressed up and in your element. I still watch Miss Universe and Miss World religiously, that was our thing wasn't it.

You'll also be extremely proud to know that even though we never went into much depth about boys and sex i still have no qualms telling a man to fuck off (my words not yours obv). Stop laughing mama, coz there is a boy in picture now, he's sweet and really seems to like me.

Basically mama, on this day that would be your 44th Birthday, (we would tell everyone you're 40 and that I'm your sister.) i just wanna let you know that you are ALWAYS on my mind. I also need you to know that i know you're around, you know i know, that's why you do sweet things to remind me like ladybugs landing on me more often than anyone i know and like the sudden bursts of warmth i feel embracing me when I'm sad.

So, here's to you my exquisite mama.

In the short as hell 33 years of life that zoomed past in what seemed a blink of an eye you managed to leave the world not only with such a beautiful grace, but such positivity that even those who never knew you see your humility and infectious joy through your captivating eyes in pictures.

In the short 11 years we knew each other we sure did have our ups and downs, but, almost as if we knew we had such a limited time together we packed so much laughter and joy into everyday we spent together, and if you recall we barely left each other's side.

We will both always feel as though those 11 years were not enough, but just think of our lives if we had never known each other at all.

Happy birthday strong woman.

I miss you more than you will ever know, and thank you for showing me a glimpse of motherly love. Even though i was too young to appreciate how much a mother means, if i turn out to be half the woman and mother you were, my life will be immensely worth while.

I keep your warm smile and gentle voice in my heart.

i love you mama.

Sweet Dreams my lady bug, until next year..

*unwritten*