The one where i almost died*

*slight exaggeration

WARNING..THIS IS AN EXTREMELY LONG POST

So, there was some mad ass drama at my house this morning. Before i get to that harrowing experience, i have to say,

I think the thing about living in Nigeria---esp Lagos that people don't get (until they get here) is that Africa Magic is in now way shape or form omitting ANYTHING about what life in Nigeria is like. What they do neglect to portray is the utter confusion and havoc that is a day grind in this place. Its just such ridiculous stuff that you just have to stop and laugh, Compose yourself and then go about your business. For example:

last night was my good friend SWAY's birthday, so we decided to get the crew together and go out for dinner to a real swanky Italian restaurant.

I mean, this place is nice and classy and most of the ex-pat contingent was there. (just as a side note, out of the whole table of 12, there was only one Nigerian, and she herself is half American) so you'd expect impeccable service and great food (u know what, the food was actually good)..anyway, we get there, and we get the menu. As we plan to get absolutely shit faced (which we did), we took a look at the wine list..

Waiter: here is you wine list

SWAY: well, from experience, i know that this is a joke and you prob don't have any of these wines, so how about we skip the dance and you tell me what you have..

Waiter: everything is there

SWAY: are you sure?

waiter: seriously aunty, everything is there

SWAY: OK, we'll have this white and this red.

the waiter goes off, 20min later..(as if you don't know whats coming..)

AUNTY, THOSE WINES YOU SELECTED ARE NOT IN STOCK...

which ones do you have?

AUNTY, WE ONLY HAVE THIS ONE AND THIS ONE..

stop, laugh and keep going.

Anyway, so on the big, "i almost died today" news..

the apartment we live in almost burnt down today.

Well, basically this is what happened:

I woke up this morning with a jolt--i was having a nightmare, so i was a bit shaken. Look over to the alarm clock..its 5.45am. Dammit, i hate when that happens coz i usually set my alarm for 6am. So I'm lying there in a bit of a daze, my night lamp is off (I'm afraid of the dark people)--which means that there is no NEPA (Nigerian equivalent to ESKOM)..but after like 30 secs, i realise that the generator has not kicked in...hmm. But I'm still in a daze and glad the nightmare wasn't real when my phone rings

its our cook...i answer very hazily and the next thing i hear is a panicky voice

AUNTY..WHERE ARE YOU..GET OUT OF THE HOUSE, THE BUILDING IS ON FIRE!!!!!

(mind you, the smoke detectors have no made a peep!)

now, this has always been one of my worst fears. Fire in the building. So, i hear my dad and step mom in the corridor discussing going down to tell them to switch on the generator.

I get up, and tell them that the house help (not maid -coz he's a guy...) just called me to tell me there is a fire. But there is no noise and the smoke detectors haven't made a sound (looking back, that was a little presumptuous and very ex-pat of us to assume they worked) and there is absolutely no sign of smoke...so i walk to the front door, and the minute i open it..the amount of smoke coming through almost choked me.

By now...I'm in full on panic mode (internally)...i mean the minute 16yr old girl who manages my brain was screaming "abandon ship...jump"

..but i was outwardly really calm.

I closed the door. Locked it. Grabbed the couch cover rolled it at the bottom of the door. Told the parentals that there was in fact a fire..and then calmly went to my room, got my phone (meanwhile..the girl in my brain was screaming: what the fuck bitch..you're gonna get stuck in here if this building explodes because you had to get your blackberry??)..then get the keys for the back door off the hook and put some shoes on.

So, we get downstairs and the neighbours are all there.

The french dude who lives below us is in MAYJAH panic mode. He's all tears and shit, and i totally sympathise because nothing was being done quick enough (read: at all) to save his possessions..this was mainly because:

• the property manager who has a house on site...was out. and his phone was off. of course.
• out of 4 security guards that are on duty at a time...there was only ONE present..why? the rest had bolted. GONE
• the nearest fire station to our place is a 15 min drive away and there was no one in the vicinity who had any idea of how to reach them except drive there.

Again, my reaction shocked me.

I told the house helps and the ONE security guard to remove the diesel from the premises immediately. (honestly, i don't know how i thought to do this)

We then sent one of the drivers to go to the fire house and tell them to come asap.

In the meantime, a crowd had gathered outside...people staring as this poor man's possessions burnt down.

After about 15min, the driver who went to the fire station calls and says he has to go to the other one (10min away from where he was already) because the trucks at the first station have no diesel to move anywhere...WELCOME TO FUCKING LAGOS BITCHES.

So, we told him to first ask if they could radio ahead.."NO THEY HAVE NO NEPA...SO THEY CANNOT LOCATE THE RADIOS.."

In the meantime, my step-mom is freeee.king. OUT. The woman is just havoc. I mean, you would have thought it was her place burning. I mean, of course we were worried the fire would spread, but the french neighbour kept assuring us he did his best to contain it.

He managed to tell me that he awoke to smoke in his house, opened the door to his living room and the air conditioner (which was not even on mind you) was literally sparking..so he called the security and they told him to "GO AND SWITCH IT OFF"..i mean..WHAT??

So anyway, in the meantime, i call my pal who lives a couple of minutes from me, and say this

OMG JOURNO FRIEND, MY HOUSE IN BURNING DOWN AND I'M STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF MY STREET FREAKING THE FUCK OUT, PLEASE COME OVER

to which he replied

OMG, AND YOU SAVED YOUR BLACKBERRY FIRST??

Anywho, he shows up..(what a sweety..he still looked asleep when he got there)..and he starts to communicate with people in yoruba. I think that it was just calming to have a familiar face around.

And he managed to actually calm the step-parental's nerves.

So, the worst bit was when the french man just announced he was dashing in to try and save some stuff...we all advised him against it, but he had desperation in his voice and it consumed him. He went in there, he was there for about 5 min..thank God he made it out alive, but as i watched him hacking, i couldn't help but feel great sadness and guilt. Sadness because, imagine, you're a french guy brought here to LAGOS NIGERIA by work, you FINALLY ship your shit over (which can get stuck at the port for months) only to have it all burn away all because of an electrician who had no idea what he was doing.

Guilt because i couldn't stop thinking to myself how grateful i was that it wasn't us.

So, we soon found out that it wasn't as dire as we thought, it was just that one of the poor french guy's air cons went kookoo, and because of poor wiring in the house, three others caught on fire as well. Basically we were lucky that nothing else caught on fire. The french dude's house was badly burnt, but last i heard it was only in the living/dining area.

We were out there for 3 hours so i only managed to get to work at 11am.

the first thing my not-even-by-boss says to me??

GOOD AFTERNOON MISS UNWRITTEN. I WISH I HAD YOUR KOOSHY JOB, THEN I COULD JUST STROLL IN ANYTIME I WANT.

i was so tempted to tell him the story, but i decided against it coz i knew that him hearing the story from someone else would make him feel like more of an ass.

I was ryt. he sent me an email asking if i wanted him to order lunch for me when he was ordering for himself. LOSER.

I just got off the phone with my editor boy and he really hit home with an excellent observation he made:

"funny, you called your male friend first and you haven't called me till now to tell me that you almost died (slight exaggeration)...how high am i on your list of priorities?"..i really don't want to deal with this right now. even if he is right.

glad to still be with you

*unwritten*