call me crazy

the five things I'm grateful for today:

1. lipgloss


2. books
   
3. ipod (between this and Google, which is the greater invention really?)


4. morgan tsvangirai


5. my grandmother (who i called yesterday and it took her 8min to realise she was talking to me not my aunt in Canada. bless her soul)
   

Hello humpday. Thanks for coming round so slowly yet again. Don't mind me, I'm glad you're here, coz once you show your face it means McDrunk Thursday is next and then...WOZA WEEKEND! So...as they say in Nigeria..well done.

OK, a lot of you may or may not know that Nigerians and God are tight like a virgin. So, since i moved here, i have noticed that almost every question is answered with the phrase: "we thank God". And it confused the hell outta me at first, but i soon realised they mean it the same as "fine" or "Not Bad" or "fucken ay" or "go to hell" basically, this phrase means ANYTHING and/or EVERYTHING you want it to mean.

So my coworker Alice With The Killer Shoes is in from Joburg, and she walks into the office this morning and greets colleague Femi With The Killer B.O.

Alice: Good Morning Femi, how you doing?

Femi: We Thank God.

Alice: Why?

I had to walk out. My laughter was taking over my entire body.

**Moving on. The God's smiled down on me last night. In case you were wondering what happened with editor boy. He called last night and told me i am "obviously a few fries short of a happy meal." I think we're back on track.

Anyway, onto the main point. Now, i realise there is a lot of stuff about lagos that really needs help, but i am in a good mood today having just confirmed Woody Allen (boss man) on a flight to Cameroon. Therefore, in keeping with tradition, i present...TOP 5 THINGS I LOVE ABOUT LIVING IN LAGOS:

1. STUPIDITY: not mine...theirs. Because so many people walk around with a serious common sense/good judgement deficiency, i have become a super-frekin-star at work. I mean this in the most sincere way. They say, if common sense were shoes, you'd be surprised how many people would be walking around barefoot. I am not one of those people, just glance at my ninewest shoes and you'll see.



2. BITCHY WOMEN: Man, you haven't crossed a bitch until you have crossed a Nigerian bitch. Whoa Nelly. Why is this a good thing? Because of these crazy-bust-a-cap-in-your-ass chicks, i look like such an angel. Seriously, I'm like Charlotte (sex and the city) in a land of Kate's (days of our lives-don't ask). Love it.



3. REALLY REALLY GOOD QUALITY FAKE DVDs: Don't judge me. You're stuck in traffic half your Lagos life, and these dudes are walking around with all this stuff. I am such a pro now that i have a "go-to" guy. I make a request and he gets it. Its also very addictive. Its like drugs except..shit, its exaclty like drugs- illegal and it feels damn good. I have managed to watch all of Gossip Girl (must do), Brothers and Sisters, Gilmore Girls and i am half way through The Tudors. The best bit is that the quality is freaking awesome, I mean, well, sometimes you get hit with the subtitles for greys anatomy for half an episode of The Tudors, but that's a small price to pay i think.



4. MEN WHO LOVE THEM A GOOD SIZE 12 SOUTH AFRICAN HONEY (me obvi): This may come across as bragging, but lets be honest, lets give credit where credit is due. I'm not saying I'm freaking this lady:

i mean, lets be real. But i am closer to her when i am put next to this:

i rest my case.

5. HILARIOUS QUOTES:

"my friend...you're not my friend";

"by the special grace of God i will kill you"

So...i reckon its not such a bad place to be. But be warned, before you move to Lagos you have to remember that common sense and K53 will not help you at all here, so better leave those everyday indulgences wherever you're coming from.

unwritten.